'This is ridiculous! Why does she need two bodyguards - one for each breast?"

So remarked a lady observing E!'s new red-carpet fashion maven, Star Jones, on Golden Globes night. The fact is that while I'm sure Star's bosoms are worthy of protection, the lady from "The View" had on something like $8 million worth of diamonds. Some of these millions were represented by a square-cut dazzler plop in the center of her formidable poitrine. Star needed big guys to be sure nobody grabbed her rocks.

GLOBE NUGGETS: David Carradine and his new wife, Annie Bierman, were all aglow over their secret Malibu nuptials. They were pulling for "Closer" star Natalie Portman to win. Carradine said, "Ever since I saw Natalie in 'The Professional,' I've been waiting for her to grow up - and she just did!" ... Kevin Spacey, Kiefer Sutherland, Javier Bardem and Jeremy Piven got together and partied as "losers," but I must say, they carried on like winners ... Kevin had this to say, "My work as Bobby Darin in 'Beyond the Sea' got the best seal of approval from Sandra Dee, who was his wife, and from his son, Dodd!" ... Julianna Margulies laughed a lot and said, "Look, I've been nominated so many times without winning that it's a tradition." (I love that Julianna; she once waited on Julia Roberts and me back when she worked at 100 Wooster St. Little did we know that a star was handing us drinks!") ... Drea deMatteo confessed to her "Joey" co-star Matt LeBlanc that under her elegant getup, she has several tattoos. (I don't think the tattoos had anything to do with appearing on "The Sopranos," but seldom has an actress received as much push as Drea got from letting herself be murdered on that HBO series!) Matt told Drea he had a tattoo - only intimates know where it is ... Charlie Sheen, once a rowdy bad boy, is a softy these days. His TV hit, "Two and a Half Men," hasn't done him any harm either. Walking up to his beautiful, pregnant wife, DeniseRichards, he noted she had a tape recorder in her face. "Oh, are you being interviewed? Sorry, honey!" said Mr. Meek and Mild ...

William H. Macy, the brilliant Globe nominee, explained to one reporter, "My wife is Felicity Huffman. She's off being interviewed. She'll find me before long."

But before the "Desperate Housewives" cast member Felicity returned, Macy chatted with actress Mena Suvari about the David Mamet project he's working on. "It's a very nasty, dark movie. I am about to descend into hell! But it's just a role. Just because your character behaves a certain way doesn't mean you have to hurt a person in real life or cheat on your wife" (especially if she is a desperate housewife who knows how to take care of a straying hubby). By the by, if you're trying to place Suvari, she was the teenager covered with rose petals in "American Beauty."

DUELING GRIFFINS: The griffin was a mythological creature with lots of power. Comedian Kathy Griffin, who assisted Star Jones on the red carpet, is the person who said something negative about young actress Dakota Fanning. Kathy is not to be confused with this column's West Coast rep, Cathy Griffin. Our Ms. Griffin got calls Monday asking, "How could you?" She couldn't, and didn't. She's a nice Griffin. I'm not saying the other Ms. Griffin isn't nice. It's just that similar names make for confusion.

WHAT IF YOU gave a party for a diva and no one came? It would hurt. But manager-entrepreneur Sandy Gallin's big bash at his Malibu showplace Friday for the divine Renée Fleming escaped such a hit. The guest list was superb - Warren Beatty; Jackie Collins; Barbra Streisand; Andrew Lloyd Webber and his wife, Madeleine; Jacob Rothschild; Charles Nelson Reilly; Sharon Osbourne; Jack Nicholson; Les Moonves; the Ron Meyers; David Geffen; Bianca Jagger; Nancy Meyers; Linda and David Foster; Carole Bayer Sager; Bob Daly; Donald Deline, and others.

Renée's big surprise was the appearance of her favorite singer-composer, Joni Mitchell. Renée had just recorded Joni's song "River" for her jazz album coming this spring.

The next night, Renée performed brilliantly at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. Her national tour is going great guns. I can't wait for her to appear at Lincoln Center May 16, reading for Literacy Partners!

MAYBE YOU MISSED the weekend whisper that Bill Clinton could be the next Secretary General of the United Nations. Many are hoping Kofi Annan will resign. I think this is the best idea to emerge in the international discourse in ages. Clinton has persuasive impact worldwide. It would be a great use of his incredible energy and talents.

TONY DANZA has been a sitcom star, a cabaret attraction and a triumph with his daytime chat show. He's a success again, and, on Jan. 31, he'll present at the 2005 Nightlife Awards at Town Hall celebrating cabaret, comedy and jazz performers. Karen Akers, Keely Smith and Paula West are among the winners. Bruce Vilanch hosts. Call 212-307-4100.